Why I hated my father…

During my school exams I used to see parents of my friends visit them with tiffin and to discuss how the first half paper has gone. I used to see parents coming to drop my friends in school. I asked my father for the same and he had refused at the very first go. I asked a couple of times again, but got the same answer. When I requested mother, she asked me approach father.

College days came. Just because my college was far from my city; mother came with me for admission. Father did come to drop me in the hostel after admission.

Surprisingly, mother told me after couple of years that while going back home after dropping me at hostel father cried almost the whole way; which I never believed.

Father had asked me couple of times to go to Kolkata to study law, but never forced. And I did what I wanted to do.

He was very strict and serious for studies. I had an interest in painting and in badminton. But I was never allowed to attend any class. Reading and writing were only two options that I had. So I followed them.

He always brought books for me and my brother. He took subscriptions of magazines, comic books for both of us as per our choice. Book fairs were like festivals for us. We were allowed to buy books of our choices and as many as we want. He himself was a very good reader and he had a bookshelf filled with various subjects and languages.

I started my own life here in the national capital and eventually when I started talking my own responsibility everyway, I realized it very recently what he tough me by not accompany me to my exams and to my college or university admissions.

He wanted me to do everything at my own so that I could learn how to become an independent soul and to live life at my own terms. I realized it late that he was always there behind me, financially and mentally.

Still whenever I go home, father and I fight like those old days. We still don’t agree to the same thing. But in the core of both of our hearts we know we did our best for each other.

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I actually got whatever I wanted… (Part 1)

I was a mediocre student as I already said in one of my earlier post. But I always got impressed with knowledge… I was and am an admirer of knowledge of every type. It is simply because I was brought up that way. My parents showed me how important education was.

I had a record of getting only one mark in science that to in biology. So obviously I was very very poor in science. Even, I had always skipped my biology pages from the science book in school classes.

Even though I never liked the subject science or mainly biology, but I always had that extra respect for the medical profession. I have two doctors in my family and I always saw them with such huge knowledge about that subject which I hated the most. I saw their gracefulness and their sophistication, which added few extra sparkles to my eyes.

I started believing in destiny not when I got a job in one of the biggest corporate Hospital in India, but then when I realized I was working with a few of the greatest medical minds of this country.

I witnessed moments like seeing senior consultants going to H1N1 isolated wards day and night to see those sick patients without fearing about their own life and family. Coming to the hospital in the morning and going home at midnight on regular basis. Coming to the hospital for any emergency at any point of time; wether they are in a family function or in their own family emergency.

I am not writing these things because I work for them. But I am writing these things because I work with them and I have been experiencing them from last 10 years.

Unknowingly, I have been rewarded with a gift which I never thought of but I always admired.

Admired, initially, the knowledge and now, the ‘extra ordinary healing effort’.

FINDING THE WRONG GOD

My first love.

I met him on his elder brother’s marriage when I was in my final year of graduation. Interestingly, I was neither invited to this marriage nor had I known anybody from his family or him.

There was a Post-Graduation student staying next to my room in the Hostel and we were good friends too. He was her good friend and he invited her for his brother’s marriage. The marriage was happening in another nearby state. She asked me to come along with her as her family was not allowing her to go alone. I said yes just like that, never thought what destiny was keeping for me there.

It was a traditional Marwari marriage and I was attending a non-Assamese marriage for the very first time. We were provided hotel rooms to stay just like any other guest.

After freshen up we went to the day function, the main marriage was on the same night.

I met him for the first time. He introduced me to his family. I came to know that he had just came back from Bangalore after his MBA to handle their family business.

The night function went well too. He kept on checking during the function if I was comfortable and enjoying the marriage.

The next day we had our return train. He went with us to the railway station. He shared his number with me and asked me to call once reached. I did not have any mobile number back then. I agreed.

After two days, I called him from my Hostel’s nearest PCO. It was a casual call. But he made it especial after few minutes when he proposed to me. I was shocked and surprised and happy when I realized that what he said was real and it happened in my life too for the very first time. I told him that I would call him the next day.

I could not slept that whole night and was eagerly waiting for the morning to come. The PCO generally open at 7 in the morning. That was a cold November morning and I waited for 30 minutes in front of the PCO. I called him and he did not miss my call too.

I was more happy when I got to know that his pet name is one of the name of Lord Krishna. I was happy because I was sure that I found my God in my very first love.

I became a regular and important customer of that PCO. My limited pocket money had started decreasing and his mobile bill started increasing. He used to come to meet me in months. We were in love and happy.

My graduation completed and I went to the state capital for higher education.

Just on the eve of Diwali, he broke the relationship. We could not even celebrated our first anniversary just for few days. He said that his family would never be agree for this relationship and marriage.

I was hurt broken for the first time and that pain was unbearable. The world had stopped revolving for me and I tried very hard to fix it. I got more close to my God during that time through ISKCON as I used to spend most of my time sitting in the temple.

I came to national capital after one and half year of this incident. We were in touch or rather I was kept on trying to be in touch with him with a hope if he could start loving me again. But he avoided my calls almost all the time. Still, I used to call him every now and then and destiny kept on creating situations for us to see each other too.

Once, he came to Delhi for his medical treatment. His family called me to say that they sent him at his own only because I was here to take care of him during his stay at the Hospital.

By that time he already had a girlfriend with whom he got quite serious. He again came for his checkup before marriage. Both of us went for his wedding shopping. We ordered a very beautiful Sherwani from a store in South Extension.

I took him to ISKCON, East of Kailash, intentionally. I folded my hands in front of my God and said, “I am making him free from my heart and my thoughts. I am only keeping his memories of our time. I am forgiving him. Bless Him.”

After 10 days, I collected his Sherwani from the store and couriered it to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My mom abandoned me on my brother’s marriage…

I have only one younger brother and he is getting married this week. I flied all the way from national capital to attend his wedding. Of course I am very happy for him. Finally he is also entering into the important phase of life.

So me along with Trinayan came to my home town 5 days before the marriage date. Everything was fine. Everyone was happy on the first day of our arrival. But on the very next day something happened that made my mom to abandoned me. Though Trinayan had the option given not to leave along with me.

I got my monthly menstruation. Without giving any notice to mom, I suddenly started blooding. And that to in such an auspicious occasion. Believe me, when I told her that I got my period she literally started shacking in anger.

‘What have you done?’ I was like ‘I did not do it knowingly. I happened.’

With an very very furious look she gave me a good lecture on how I made the home and next day puja to be performed at home has made dirty.

Of course I felt offended. I felt like booking the next flight back to New Delhi and will return on the day of marriage. I did check the flight fares as well but looking at my bank account I dropped that idea and asked her ‘What do you want me to do?’

She said, ‘Just leave from here. Stay on the first floor of the house for next two days and don’t come down till the third day.’

The first floor is all vacant. The last tenant family left few months back and I have advised my brother to have some privacy and to shift there with his wife after marriage.

I took all my bags and went upstairs. When I called Trinayan to come over, mom said he couldn’t stay with me till my third day. I said, ‘I cant stay alone in that whole floor.’ She said, ‘Even if he will stay, he is not going to sleep with you.’

Anyway, we slept together on the first floor with peace.

Now on my third day of period when I am considered to be cleaned after washing myself along with all my used clothes, bed sheets, pillow covers along with Trinayan’s; I think it is better to be stay on the first floor only. So till I leave for New Delhi, I am staying here only with my own peace.

Thank you my monthly mensuration circle for giving me a chance to stay with my family by staying away.

 

When I lost my first best friend…

Last to last week on a Sunday morning I got a call from one of my very good friend whom I didn’t meet in last 2 years despite staying in the same city. She called me to say that my first best friend died. He was asleep when he died that very same day.

Honestly, I did not know how to react at that moment. Living far away from people I used to know has turned the emotions off towards them as well, I supposed. And that is bad, really bad.

Year 1997, we became best friends and the whole school knew about it along with both of our families. This is dramatic, but yes we used to fight with each other every alternate day and on the other days we again become best friends. And the school used to know it too.

With every passing days, the same history had been repeated. We fought and next day everything fine. Years passed, we were in Higher School then. Both of us were not in the same section and by then not in the same steam as well. I was in Arts and he was in Science at the same old and beautiful school.

School union election time came. And only two person had applied for the same position. General Secretary. Yes those two persons were us. We did not talk to each other during that time. He also knew it and I knew it too. Just one or two days before the election, few of our friends came to me to request to apply for the Assistant General Secretary position. They said that they did not want us to fight with each other and they would make it sure that nobody should apply for Assistant General Secretary position so that I could win directly. After few discussions, I said ok.

When the result came out, one best friend become General Secretary and the other become Assistant General Secretary. Whenever he used to come to my home, my mom say ‘General Secretary is here to meet you Assistant General Secretary’.

He was always counted in the brilliant students list. After higher School he went to the state capital and that was the time when our best friendship had started deteriorating. Those days communicating with each other was not that easy. As far I remember, we did wrote a very few letters to each other. Our time started not to match with each other as I also moved to an another city for studies.

Time passed by and so did we. School best friendship only left in the memories and inside the slam books.

I met him in the state capital when I went there for my studies. But by then we all were grown ups and that essence of innocence had left both of us and so did our best friendship.

I met him couple of times in last past years but could not revive that school best friendship again. Our priorities has been changed and so did our friendship.

Now, when I know that he is no more in this world and nor is our best friendship; I still hope to meet him, see him whenever I will visit our school back home.

Another thing that I am realizing now is that we did not communicate the way we used to do with each other after our school days. Probably, the way I was looking out for my childhood best friend, he would have also looked out for me over those years.

Rest in peace my best friend. I will meet you again in another world which would be beyond all communication.

 

 

 

Why I can see human in pain…!!!

Don’t judge. This is my opinion only and it is a free country.

Though we human are declared to be the most intelligent living being in this world… still we are not the best… at least not from our own heart and somewhere not from the mind too.

We are bad… really bad, mean, selfish, rude, self-centered, opportunistic, materialistic, judge early and easily and we these days don’t love truly, to anyone. With the passing hours, minutes and seconds we have been losing every feelings, emotions, love.

Being a busy person is good, but is it good to stop living the life we have been gifted. We don’t value it till the time we reach the hospital or to our death bed. We can’t feel it till the time we go through it. And trust me, death can come at any point of time to anyone. Will not even have a second to regret about those things that we have planned and not done yet.

Not diverting from the headline. I am a human being too so I know myself. I am not the best or even better. But I do try to be a good person but at times I can’t. I cant like or love everyone in my family, in my neighborhood, in my friend circle or in my office. That’s fact. Most of the time can’t even adjust. Now, that’s life.

To my surprise at times or at certain situations when I come to know about some unknown ‘not good’ part of myself, even I don’t like it too. Yes, I have those above mentioned qualities too. Not all of them, may be, but yes a few of them. After all I am a human being too.

And whenever, I see myself with this ‘not good’ part of me… I know at the end of the road ‘Karma’ is waiting. And that pain is what is being calculated and decided.

We are selfish, rite!!! So if I can see myself in pain than of course I can see others in pain too. Because we all know somewhere or other, we deserve that.

TO MAKE OR NOT TO MAKE…

With completing four years of marriage and 33 years of my life that to in a female body is something really scary. I mean not to me but to the people around me. Everyone is having the same question. When are you planning a family? And I am like me and Trinayan is a family. But nobody understand this ‘my concept’ of family. For everyone ‘a family’ means the child.

Working in a hospital has its own benefits, that what all think. But for me this is my work place and somewhat my family now. I know all the senior specialist doctors, because that is my job. As I said few of these doctors are like family now. So one of the senior very sweet and good gynecologist was after me to start planning for a family. I love and respect her so much that I did all my required tests and started having regular practices to make a baby. And got upset every month whenever my period had arrived. After trying for more than 1 year, I started avoiding this gynecologist. If I see her on east, I make a turn to the south in the Hospital. And now she doesn’t talk about it anymore.

Living thousand kms away from in-laws and own family is the best thing that happened. At least there is nobody around to keep on ringing the same ball. And I hardly ring their phone balls. Even if they try to speak about it, I make them stop. It is very easy over the phone. And I generally go home once in a year, which is also manageable most of the time.

I have only question, it is necessary to follow the path that everyone is following. Everyone is having their own rights to decide how to lead their own life. Just because they have done it doesn’t mean that I need to do the same. Each individual is so different from each other and so is their purpose in life.

They say so may things. ‘Having a baby will make your love more strong.’; I say, ‘Which is already strong. And it will be worst if I cant see him working the same way I would be doing towards the baby.’ ‘You will feel lonely after some years.’; I say, ‘Will see and manage then accordingly.’

I mean every other person has their own version of having a baby of mine and Trinayan. It sometimes sounds like ‘We did it, so you must do it too.’ and these kind of advises come from those who themselves are having kids. I am yet to meet a couple who are not having a baby and giving me this piece of advice.

To have or not to have one or two or more is a couple’s personal decision. I don’t understand why every other person has to poke their nose into it. If giving advise is so much important than give advise on other things, like how to not gain weight and be health, which part of the country or the world is more beautiful, how to be happy in life… some different advices.

I have some other plans with life. A baby is a very big responsibility that to for the whole life and for which I am not ready and don’t want to be ready at all. The problem with our society is that we don’t like to accept exception. We just want everyone must do what every other person is doing.

I may not know the future, but yest I know my present. Actually both of us know and we want to make the best of it with or without making a baby.

 

Why I don’t love his surname…

Love marriage was always in my mind. As a child I was always terrified by thinking to marry someone whom I dont know and don’t love. As a liberal family obviously my family would have never asked me to marry someone whom I dont know and not at that age. But still I was so bloody terrified then, don’t know why. I am sure all girls born with this dream of falling in ‘true love’ and marrying the ‘Prince’.

Of course I found the ‘Prince’. And of course I did travel a few kilometers in search of him. But I learned a lot by traveling this ‘a few kilometers’. Every kilometer was a new lesson. But the most interesting thing that I learned was that only loving and marrying the ‘Prince’ was not the happy ending of the whole story. Actually the second part of the story starts then.

Although I was not brilliant at my studies, still I managed to get good marks at my favorite subjects. Life gives surprises. And with these surprises I started working. Actually it was not planned and was not on priority list. It just happened.

I have seen many working women in my family. My mother was a social worker. She along with my aunty was running a local NGO for poor widows. I always felt good to see them doing so much good to those needy ones.

Coming to the capital of the nation was in my destiny. Any the destiny has already kept every thing prepared for me one after another. Honestly, the capital has give me so much that I can’t think of complaining for anything. But the best two things are of course the ‘Prince’ and ‘My Identify’.

In an Indian society, a girl must have two things; education and faith within to fight with the society. Education gives the courage to fight. A job is not always satisfactory but it always gives faith to fight.

His surname never attracts me nor it is attractive. It is him who attracted me 10 years back and of course these 10 years include lots of ups and downs. But everything that matters is our love.

We got married for love and to live our life together. I don’t need to put his surname with my name to prove my love to him.

Princess Diana… How I know her…

When Princess Diana died I was in class VIII. I am sure I never heard of this name before. I was trying to be a writter at that time and was reading newspaper daily. 

Her death introduced her to me. When I read about her tragic accident, I was very upset and sad. I still remember, all the newspapers were filled with her news and pictures. I was in between my childhood and adolescence back then but I felt a terrible pain on her death. 

I never knew her, meeting her was out of my dreams and still I felt the pain. I tried to read all about her, as far as I could. In the school library I searched and read all the newspapers stories. Back then sources of information were very very very limited and I tried everything.

Every newspaper was describing Princess Diana as noble and kind hearted Princess who tried to helped everyone in need. I was born as a kind person and so kind personalities attract me very much. By reading her kind attributios to the society and to the poor and sick people I realized that God had done a mistake. I remember, I cried for her too.

Now, at this century when everything is just a click away. I explored her through YouTube and Google. I watched the movie ‘Diana’ too. My love for her increased lots more. There was not even a single thing to hate her. 

A noble soul died almost 20 years ago…and there are people who still love and praise her. 

As a girl/a women the one and only thing Princess Diana ever wanted was love… Somewhere beyond right and wrong, there is a garden. I will meet you there…!!!

Duliajan to Delhi via Jorhat & Guwahati…

I was born to a very independent and liberal Assamese family. Actually most of the Assamese families are independent and liberal, at least I have seen only them.

I was born to a joined family, father, mother, younger brother, grand parents, 2 uncles and 1 uncle’s wife and 2 children and 1 aunty and the cows, goats, chickens, ducks and the doves.

Back then my life was amazing, at least I realise it now. I was pampered like anything by my mother, although father was very strick and most of the time unmanageable. Like most of the fathers he always wanted that me and my brother must be seen on our study table only. Our study times were early in the morning till we headed to school and in the evening till we headed to the bed. And interestingly he was found next to us in both the slots, most of the time with a stick to use if we fall asleep on the study table.

I was a mediocre student. But I was brilliant in arts, subjects like English, Assamese, Social Study and sometimes Maths too without the geometry part. I was a big zero in science erespect of physics, chemistry and biology. I knew it from very early stage that I was not a science student and my father was also sure from my marks. I have record of writing a single line in science in a class test and scored 1 out of 20. Actually I scored half mark but my teacher was so kind that she convert that half to 1 while writing the final figure. That time for class tests parents signatures were not required on the copy. So I was very relaxed and hiding the sheet was not tough either. I never believed in destroying anything back then. I hide it inside some old books of mine which were kept on the slab just above my study table. 1 week passed. Father asked about the test result as he got to know about it from a neighbor class met of mine. I lied, obviously.

After few weeks he found the copy accidentally.

After my 10th class I decided to continue my next 2 years at my school only. Those 2 years were the best days of life. I selected arts stream and life was relaxed back then with those subjects I love.

Day of farewell at School year 2002… Last bye from friends…

For my graduation I decided for bachelor degree in arts from Jorhat, a very cultured place from Assam, although father wanted me to pursue law. But I was not interested in law and he never forced me for it.

Graduation from Jorhat meant need to find a hostel. I was super excited. I was about to be free from all the rules and regulations, terms and conditions of my father.

After being spent 12 years in a mixed gender school, I was in a mental trauma to see only girls in my new college. 3 years inside the college was obviously very boring and irritating; although the boredom was well sold off by the fun and adventures I had post college hours.

3 years vanished in front of my eyes just like that. In our final year, our Geography Dept was taken for an departmental tour to New Delhi and Jaipur. That was my first trip without parents to a distance like that far.

When our whole Dept landed at new Delhi railway station, it was a chilled February morning. It was totally a different world for me. I stressed my eyes wide open to see as far and as much as I could see.

Our booking was done at International Youth Hostel in the main embassy area of New Delhi. We stayed there for almost one week and visited each and every known monument. And finally we went for shopping at world famous Sarojani Nagar market. This market is very confusing, although none of the girls were confused as all of them were gone crazy by seeing various type of dresses and got busy in bargaining.

Less crowded India Gate in year 2005

Jaipur was also in our tour schedule so in between we visited Jaipur for 3 days.

Finally I was graduated with geography honours. I was happy. And decided for my further studies in Mass Communications and Public Relations from Guwahati.

Guwahati, the capital of Assam and the biggest commercial city of not only Assam but also of the whole North East India. I was super duper excited.

Although I was excited about Guwahati but in reality Guwahati treated me very very rough. I crossed many ups and downs both personally and professionally; but mainly personally. I was heart broken. And so to find my peace of heart and mind I strengthen my relatioship with God and that was the best and only thing happened then. I stated to hate that place and was just looking for any chance to flew from there.

And I got a chance. Higher studies at the national capital, New Delhi. So I became the first person from my family to cross the state boarder for higher studies. Being a mediocre student in school it was a little out of the syllabus kind question.

But as destiny had already decided, I landed in New Delhi on 19 March, 2007.